http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php Copyright 2012, BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) en-US SPHPBLOG 0.5.1 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100807-222158
I go out for 1 night in a long time, and yes I got home later than I expected, but what happens? I catch grief for it. It seems to be the way things work. I try to get help so that I can do things and I get abused. I try to be respectful of everyone but no one seems to what to show me the same.

I try to listen to the radio on a fire call and everyone ignores the fact that I am doing something important. I don't mind doing things that don't keep me from listening to or talking on the radio if I need to but apparently that isn't enough.

Really begging to wonder why I even made an attempt to have a life. I don't want to "be the victim" but it sure seems that those people around me that should help me try to have a life sure seem to do everything they can to put up road blocks.

It just really irritates me how 2 faced they can be. Oh yes do this do that... but then do every FUCKING thing they can to FUCK it up. ]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100807-222158 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Sun, 08 Aug 2010 05:21:58 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=08&entry=entry100807-222158 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100716-212909
Whenever I think I am moving forward something happens that knocks me back. Maybe it's time to just stop trying to move forward. Perhaps it's just best to let whatever happens happen.]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100716-212909 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Sat, 17 Jul 2010 04:29:09 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=07&entry=entry100716-212909 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100630-203828 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100630-203828 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Thu, 01 Jul 2010 03:38:28 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100630-203828 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100628-205633 What if while I am gone I do something or say something to make more people mad?
What if when I get back I lose more friends?

What if I don't tell anyone?
What if I don't have surgery even if I need too?

What if things are worse than they seem?
What if this just keeps happening?

What if all I end up doing is hurting people?


There are just so many what if's and there doesn't seem to be any answers. What if there aren't any answers? What happens if all of it happens? What happens if none of it happens?

UGH

What if???]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100628-205633 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Tue, 29 Jun 2010 03:56:33 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100628-205633 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100620-154759
I wonder if I am worthy of hugs... I wonder if someone does hug me is it just because they feel like they have to hug me or do they want to.

I still worry that is someone hugs me... it will lead to nothing but trouble for them. Nothing put pain and sorrow. ]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100620-154759 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Sun, 20 Jun 2010 22:47:59 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100620-154759 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100610-210405
I just don't know what to do now? I have to get a CT, a kidney function study, and some lab work. After that we will know if they can be broken up with ultrasound or if they will require surgery. Ugh

I am just not sure that I can handle this again. :-(

]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100610-210405 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Fri, 11 Jun 2010 04:04:05 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100610-210405 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100609-212556
I function but sometimes just barely. I have websites I want to do, things that I promised to do and need to do... I just don't have the whatever to.

]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100609-212556 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Thu, 10 Jun 2010 04:25:56 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100609-212556 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100607-154057 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100607-154057 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Mon, 07 Jun 2010 22:40:57 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100607-154057 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100603-223123
Dying use to scare me. I guess up through the last surgery it did. Now, I don't know. I can't say it doesn't scare me, I guess it is more like I just don't give a fuck. Have I thought about it, yes. Have I even wanted it or welcomed it yes. Do I now, I don't know.

Sometimes it is all just so damn confusing. I feel like I am of little or no value to anyone, including myself. Would the world truly miss me? Would, in the long run, my being gone affect those around me? I just don't know. I know I feel like a pain and a bother. I feel like I suck the life out of those around me and offer nothing in return.

Movies have been made, such as "It's a Wonderful Life" that ask some of these questions... I am just not sure that in the long run... if I were the central character... that the answers would be the same. ]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100603-223123 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Fri, 04 Jun 2010 05:31:23 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100603-223123 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100602-094028 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100602-094028 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:40:28 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=06&entry=entry100602-094028 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100528-203437
I came home scared, depressed, feeling helpless and alone. I expressed my frustration and my feeling of despair... and I got yelled out, told how much I was doing to hurt them and how selfish and uncaring I was.

All I wanted was a friend. Someone I could express those feelings to. I didn't blame them for how I felt, I just needed to tell them.

Now I have another friend who has been very good and allowed me express myself when I have needed to but because of last year I worry that I will do what ever I did again and I will lose another friend.

I worry that at any moment I will wake up and realize I have no friends... that I have done something or said something to drive them all away. I have even had the dream again about dying and no one come to my funeral. ]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100528-203437 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Sat, 29 May 2010 03:34:37 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=05&entry=entry100528-203437 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100525-220427
I have always been told how much people have given up for me... always told how hard being pregnant with me was on mom... so I guess for my entire existence I have done nothing but be selfish and hurt people for attention.

If that is all I have ever been or ever will be... then what is the point???]]> http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100525-220427 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Wed, 26 May 2010 05:04:27 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=05&entry=entry100525-220427 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100523-212822 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100523-212822 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Mon, 24 May 2010 04:28:22 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=05&entry=entry100523-212822 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100420-223725 http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/index.php?entry=entry100420-223725 BigBeretta (John C. Sell, Jr.) Wed, 21 Apr 2010 05:37:25 GMT http://www.bigberetta.net/myblog2/comments.php?y=10&m=04&entry=entry100420-223725