So I guess it is best to just go back to the way things where. It isn't worth the fight trying to have a life.

I go out for 1 night in a long time, and yes I got home later than I expected, but what happens? I catch grief for it. It seems to be the way things work. I try to get help so that I can do things and I get abused. I try to be respectful of everyone but no one seems to what to show me the same.

I try to listen to the radio on a fire call and everyone ignores the fact that I am doing something important. I don't mind doing things that don't keep me from listening to or talking on the radio if I need to but apparently that isn't enough.

Really begging to wonder why I even made an attempt to have a life. I don't want to "be the victim" but it sure seems that those people around me that should help me try to have a life sure seem to do everything they can to put up road blocks.

It just really irritates me how 2 faced they can be. Oh yes do this do that... but then do every FUCKING thing they can to FUCK it up.

Maybe it is just time to stop everything. Time to stop the IV's, time to stop all the meds, time to stop the fighting.

Whenever I think I am moving forward something happens that knocks me back. Maybe it's time to just stop trying to move forward. Perhaps it's just best to let whatever happens happen.

Am I worth the trouble? Am I worth the effort of others? Am I worth the heartache everyone goes through because of me? Am I worth being here?

What if I have to go for surgery?
What if while I am gone I do something or say something to make more people mad?
What if when I get back I lose more friends?

What if I don't tell anyone?
What if I don't have surgery even if I need too?

What if things are worse than they seem?
What if this just keeps happening?

What if all I end up doing is hurting people?


There are just so many what if's and there doesn't seem to be any answers. What if there aren't any answers? What happens if all of it happens? What happens if none of it happens?

UGH

What if???

I have come to realize that my issue with hugs really symbolizes my issue with life. I like hugs, I want hugs, I need hugs... but does anybody want a hug from me.

I wonder if I am worthy of hugs... I wonder if someone does hug me is it just because they feel like they have to hug me or do they want to.

I still worry that is someone hugs me... it will lead to nothing but trouble for them. Nothing put pain and sorrow.

Found out today that my kidney stones are back. I knew that there were very tiny fragments left... but these sound big. This explains why I have been having more back pain.

I just don't know what to do now? I have to get a CT, a kidney function study, and some lab work. After that we will know if they can be broken up with ultrasound or if they will require surgery. Ugh

I am just not sure that I can handle this again.

Today someone was here and was going on how much better my depression is and how glad she is that I am not where I was a year ago when I felt like I was unwanted, unneeded, and a bother and a pain... I just couldn't tell her that what she is seeing is more of a good front. I think the "better" is that I have settled enough to be able to hide it better... not that I am actually better.

I function but sometimes just barely. I have websites I want to do, things that I promised to do and need to do... I just don't have the whatever to.