So for a while I had started to pick up and feel a little better. Now it seems like the last few days, each day has gotten a little worse and a little worse. It feels like I have a little less strength each day and a little less desire to move forward each day. I just keep thinking maybe this is what is supposed to happen... I will just eventually just waste away into nothingness.
:'-(

They all deserve a better friend than me. All I have been lately is a bother and a nuisance. When I am down if I post online all I do is piss more people off. One friend, well, isn't very good at the listening and talking stuff. Another friend I know I have been taking advantage of and should not be doing that.

They all have better friends. Friends who can help them and not hurt them. Friends who don't drag them down.

My body is a mess. My mind is a mess. When looking at the positives and the negatives, there isn't much of anything in the positive column.

One way or another I have to extract myself so that they can move on with the people who are better friends.

:'-(

Sometimes I feel like I just need a hug. I just want a hug. However, I know I can't let anyone hug me.

I have always been the type that has wanted hugs. I have always felt like when my friends and family was in pain I wanted to hug them... To hold them if even briefly to try and make it better.

I have just always wondered if someone would want a hug from me? Why they would want me to hug them?

So I had a friend who was in pain and I asked if I could hug them. It was nice to be able to give that comfort. It continued but then when I needed that support. When I was ready to kill myself instead of a hug I got yelled at and stomped on.

Now I know I can't do that. I can't hug anyone or let them hug me. It is not safe... Not for me or for them.

I just keep going over who needs me. I mean Dad needs me now... But after he is gone who really needs me? I don't think there is anybody who really needs me. For that fact I am not sure there is anybody who really, totally wants me. It might take time but they would eventually just forget about me. That would probably be best anyway.

I just can't... I can't deal anymore. I can't keep pretending. I can't be here anymore.

If I feel asleep and didn't wake up.