Last night I realized that I no longer have that feeling that everything would be better if I had not made it this summer. I am still not sure I am worth all of the trouble I have put everybody through...

I have had a blah day today. All of my why questions have come back today too. Why did I survive? Why does anybody want to be my friend? Why does anybody care about me? Why, why, why???

There is noting special about me. I am fat, ugly, don't have a lot of money. I am not as smart as I would like to think. Oh and don't forget the paralysis and all of the medical issue that go along with that.

I guess I wish I could figure out just one reason why anybody wants to be around me.

I don't know why but for some reason I seem to be at peace tonight. It is really nice.

There is or maybe I should say was something that was really bugging me. However, now... Well, I don't know exactly but it doesn't seem to be bothering me.

I had this feeling that nobody really cared what happened to me. I know that sounds stupid but it all seems to stem from my stay at the hospital in GJ. See when I was there every time someone came into my room they were mostly smiles and happiness. I know that this was mostly for my benefit. We have all done that, pretended to be happy and strong for the person who is in the hospital.

I guess in my screwed up head, I took it as if nobody was worried about what happened to me. I guess I needed, or more truthfully wanted, someone to show some other emotion. I know that sounds selfish and stupid but... It was just what was going through my head.

What I realize now, after all of these months, is that there are really people who do care about me. I don't know that I would go as far as to say there are people who couldn't live without me but there are people who care about me.

Well today is Thanksgiving and for the most part on the surface it was a good day. However, for some reason I am just not doing very good. My stomach has been on the fritz for several days and that hasn't been good. More than anything it is my emotional state. I just have wanted to hide and disappear today. I am worried about me...

At least tonight the IV is running like it is supposed to. I slept most of the day, I guess that is expected with last night. Things have been fairly quite today. I hope that holds out for a while. I am still down, but not quite as bad.

I think maybe she is starting to see some of the issues I have been trying to get across to her. Who knows how long that will last.

It is now early in the morning and I am waiting for my IV to finish. The stupid thing is wanting to run slow. I could really use the sleep but instead I decided to look back through some of my email. Boy have I got more irritated, grumpy, and just plain down as the days have passed. The biggest turning point seems to have been my last round of surgeries.

It seems with each email I have sent, the lower my attitude is. While I am not totally surprised by this, it does concern me. I was afraid this would happen. I just, well I just don't know what to do. I probably should be sleeping now, however I am not sure that would really help either. The last few nights I have ground my teeth and a couple of the nights I couldn't sleep even when I tried.

Several nights ago I did have a nice dream but those have been few and far between. It was like a big party and it was warm and sunny. Everybody was there and no body was upset, angry, or evenly slightly moody. I even had a date, that is strange thought since I have decided to give up on that idea, probably for a long while... Anyway, I would very much like to get back to that dream; with my luck it will probably turn into a nightmare.

Even though things in my head may not be well, physically I think I must be getting better. My strength seems to be returning and yes my "hormones" have even kicked in a time or two (damn Victoria's Secret commercials). If I can just make it through this day procedure coming up and manage to get home, maybe I will make it... Maybe.

That or someone needs to take me out and shoot me!