Okay, so I was doing good tonight until... MY FAMILY DECIDED TO COME VISIT ME. First I had to watch a show that I don't really find all that appealing then the one person who does like it wouldn't shut up. Finally the other person just wants to bitch about everything and anything and I am just tired of it.

What is being bitched about is non of their damn business. And for a second fact I am tired of this person trying to act like they are in-charge every time they come over.

JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!

Okay, so there are a lot of things I don't know. However what I have wondered recently is are my friends better off for knowing me. I guess there are several ways to phrase. I just want to know if they every wish they hadn't met me.

Last night I realized that I no longer have that feeling that everything would be better if I had not made it this summer. I am still not sure I am worth all of the trouble I have put everybody through...

I have had a blah day today. All of my why questions have come back today too. Why did I survive? Why does anybody want to be my friend? Why does anybody care about me? Why, why, why???

There is noting special about me. I am fat, ugly, don't have a lot of money. I am not as smart as I would like to think. Oh and don't forget the paralysis and all of the medical issue that go along with that.

I guess I wish I could figure out just one reason why anybody wants to be around me.

I don't know why but for some reason I seem to be at peace tonight. It is really nice.

There is or maybe I should say was something that was really bugging me. However, now... Well, I don't know exactly but it doesn't seem to be bothering me.

I had this feeling that nobody really cared what happened to me. I know that sounds stupid but it all seems to stem from my stay at the hospital in GJ. See when I was there every time someone came into my room they were mostly smiles and happiness. I know that this was mostly for my benefit. We have all done that, pretended to be happy and strong for the person who is in the hospital.

I guess in my screwed up head, I took it as if nobody was worried about what happened to me. I guess I needed, or more truthfully wanted, someone to show some other emotion. I know that sounds selfish and stupid but... It was just what was going through my head.

What I realize now, after all of these months, is that there are really people who do care about me. I don't know that I would go as far as to say there are people who couldn't live without me but there are people who care about me.

Well today is Thanksgiving and for the most part on the surface it was a good day. However, for some reason I am just not doing very good. My stomach has been on the fritz for several days and that hasn't been good. More than anything it is my emotional state. I just have wanted to hide and disappear today. I am worried about me...