If I feel asleep and didn't wake up.

Okay, everybody who is close to me and knows me will probably think a, I have gone off the deep end, and b, I have been watching too much Star Trek.

I won't argue on either point but here is what I know:

There is a scene in Star Trek V where Kirk says he has known he will always die alone. Well, I am Kirk. I have always felt this way, even before the move came out.

In 1992 when everything was happening and I was close to death, I knew I wasn't going to die because I wasn't alone. Each time I woke up some one I loved was there.

In 2008 when I woke in St. Mary's and there was no one there... I had this sinking feeling that I was going to die... I was alone. It wasn't until I woke up and my best friend, his wife / my friend, and the other person I thought was my other best friend was standing there looking at me and holding my hands did I finally feel like I wasn't going to die...

If so, say something damn it.

So I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. At times I really need to talk to someone but I don't have one... So I try to talk to everyone but I feel like I do that I am bothering them. So if I talk them I feel bad and make them feel bad. If I don't talk to them I feel bad and have no chance of feeling better.

What is the most ironic? Well, you are conditioned most of your life to not depend on others. To not make those kind of attachments. Then after all of that conditioning to not get help and make connections, you get blasted because you are resisting trying to get help and making that connection. THEN after you find help and you make that connection, the one you were conditioned not to make, but then told you should make and it goes wrong, you are blasted again for making the connection.

Thing is, it isn't just what happened after we got home that has me done, though that didn't help. I was already not good when that happened. I wasn't too bad until I woke up in that ICU room with a machine breathing for me that I began my downward spiral.

I woke up scared, alone, and not having any clue what had happened or what was going on. The next time I woke up I say 3 people I cared about very much smiling at me and I wasn't sure why. In fact as I have said I even mad at them at the time because I couldn't understand why they where happy.

Thing is as I lay there I began to think about what my life as been. I began to realize that it isn't what I wanted and I hoped that I could change it. I hoped that with the support of the people around me I could make the change.

The thing is, I now find myself minus some of those people who were really helping me and I find myself in the same rut and I am not sure that I can get out. I mean being in a rut isn't that bad if it is taking you somewhere. Sometimes riding the rut is the way to go. What if the rut goes no where or worse, runs you off the road? I worry that if I can't get out of this rut, I won't survive.

I look at myself and ask is this what I wanted? Do have anything to show for my life this far? Have I really done anything with my life? The answer I keep coming up with is no.

So if the answer is no and I have no way out of this rut then what is the point?