Okay, everybody who is close to me and knows me will probably think a, I have gone off the deep end, and b, I have been watching too much Star Trek.

I won't argue on either point but here is what I know:

There is a scene in Star Trek V where Kirk says he has known he will always die alone. Well, I am Kirk. I have always felt this way, even before the move came out.

In 1992 when everything was happening and I was close to death, I knew I wasn't going to die because I wasn't alone. Each time I woke up some one I loved was there.

In 2008 when I woke in St. Mary's and there was no one there... I had this sinking feeling that I was going to die... I was alone. It wasn't until I woke up and my best friend, his wife / my friend, and the other person I thought was my other best friend was standing there looking at me and holding my hands did I finally feel like I wasn't going to die...

If so, say something damn it.

So I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. At times I really need to talk to someone but I don't have one... So I try to talk to everyone but I feel like I do that I am bothering them. So if I talk them I feel bad and make them feel bad. If I don't talk to them I feel bad and have no chance of feeling better.

What is the most ironic? Well, you are conditioned most of your life to not depend on others. To not make those kind of attachments. Then after all of that conditioning to not get help and make connections, you get blasted because you are resisting trying to get help and making that connection. THEN after you find help and you make that connection, the one you were conditioned not to make, but then told you should make and it goes wrong, you are blasted again for making the connection.

Thing is, it isn't just what happened after we got home that has me done, though that didn't help. I was already not good when that happened. I wasn't too bad until I woke up in that ICU room with a machine breathing for me that I began my downward spiral.

I woke up scared, alone, and not having any clue what had happened or what was going on. The next time I woke up I say 3 people I cared about very much smiling at me and I wasn't sure why. In fact as I have said I even mad at them at the time because I couldn't understand why they where happy.

Thing is as I lay there I began to think about what my life as been. I began to realize that it isn't what I wanted and I hoped that I could change it. I hoped that with the support of the people around me I could make the change.

The thing is, I now find myself minus some of those people who were really helping me and I find myself in the same rut and I am not sure that I can get out. I mean being in a rut isn't that bad if it is taking you somewhere. Sometimes riding the rut is the way to go. What if the rut goes no where or worse, runs you off the road? I worry that if I can't get out of this rut, I won't survive.

I look at myself and ask is this what I wanted? Do have anything to show for my life this far? Have I really done anything with my life? The answer I keep coming up with is no.

So if the answer is no and I have no way out of this rut then what is the point?

I often find myself surprised at the number of Facebook friends I have. Even more surprised that most of these people accepted my request (though I am sure many regret it now) and just astonished at home many have actually sent a friend request to me.

Many of these people have spoken of how strong (something a once friend used to say) and how nice, kind, caring I am. Some have even spoken of how special, intelligent, even great of a person I am. I am just at a great lack of understanding.

I never saw myself or even thought of myself as those things. At best I just thought I was somewhat normal. Now it is hard for me to even see that. I find myself now a weak, scared child who has lost his way.

I don't see that anything I am or that I do is so special. It is said that given an infinite about of time a bunch of monkeys with a bunch of type writers could reproduce the works of Shakespeare, well I think ten monkeys given ten days of good training could do what I do. All kidding aside, I think that there are many people who could do what I do faster and most likely better.

I find now that I have wasted most of my life worrying about others and what I was expected to do or be and not worrying about what was important to me. I wish that I had spent more time on the relationships and things that were important. I think it is too late to try and fix this.

This last year has shown that I am simply a waste of a person who survived something that I shouldn't have. It also shows that I am unable to either build relationships with good people or build good relationships at all. Even if I could build good relationships, who wants that from me? Who really wants to be my friend? What woman would really want to have a life with me? The answer is simply no one.

I am simply a time and resource consuming slug.