I often find myself surprised at the number of Facebook friends I have. Even more surprised that most of these people accepted my request (though I am sure many regret it now) and just astonished at home many have actually sent a friend request to me.

Many of these people have spoken of how strong (something a once friend used to say) and how nice, kind, caring I am. Some have even spoken of how special, intelligent, even great of a person I am. I am just at a great lack of understanding.

I never saw myself or even thought of myself as those things. At best I just thought I was somewhat normal. Now it is hard for me to even see that. I find myself now a weak, scared child who has lost his way.

I don't see that anything I am or that I do is so special. It is said that given an infinite about of time a bunch of monkeys with a bunch of type writers could reproduce the works of Shakespeare, well I think ten monkeys given ten days of good training could do what I do. All kidding aside, I think that there are many people who could do what I do faster and most likely better.

I find now that I have wasted most of my life worrying about others and what I was expected to do or be and not worrying about what was important to me. I wish that I had spent more time on the relationships and things that were important. I think it is too late to try and fix this.

This last year has shown that I am simply a waste of a person who survived something that I shouldn't have. It also shows that I am unable to either build relationships with good people or build good relationships at all. Even if I could build good relationships, who wants that from me? Who really wants to be my friend? What woman would really want to have a life with me? The answer is simply no one.

I am simply a time and resource consuming slug.

So you think that you are starting to get you life together, then all of the sudden things fall apart. You get very, very sick. So sick in fact that you come closer to losing your life than maybe you have ever before and you have come close before. Your mind races trying to figure out what is going on and why but you can't seem to find an answer. You spend more time in one hospital or another than you do out. After all of this you find yourself home. You are so glad to be home and around the people you care about and feel have helped you to try and get your life together. Now, you aren't yourself. All of the events have taken a toll on you not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. You are frustrated, not by the people around you but the circumstances. You say somethings, mostly trying to express your frustration but not attacking or blaming anybody. In fact you are really trying to express to them that you care for all of them very much and that more than anything you really missed them and yes did wish you would have heard from them more and could have been around them when you couldn't.

Then one of the people you care for and has been more help than anybody knows decides that you don't appreciate them, are treating them like shit. Tells you not only this but how many other bad things you are doing to them... Even though they can't tell you how you are doing these things or why... But you aren't supposed to be upset by all of this. Then the person decides that they really only want to do the job they are paid to do when they want to, not caring if they leave you hanging. Again, you are not supposed to be upset by this at all. You are just supposed to accept that when you need help the most, you won't get it because that would be treating them badly. So you try to make things work. You try to work with them and just as you think things are going better this person decides they can't keep their word and it should just be okay with you if they take off and leave hanging again when they said, many times over several days, that they know they are too work and will work. Then when you are upset you are a bad person because you are upset...

You still care for this person and in your state of mind, you beat yourself up thinking what if I had done this or that or whatever... How are you supposed to feel. You want them to keep working for you and help you but they decided to quit because they are afraid you will be upset the next time they can't keep their word and do their job when they are supposed to. You don't want this but it happens and you just beat yourself up more. You think maybe it would have been better if you hadn't survived. You think your entire life has been a waste. You realize that they things in your life that you have always wanted and felt like this person and their family were helping you towards those things. Now you don't know if you can really move towards these things and if you can, is it too late?

How are you supposed to feel?

To have one's heart broken by a friend is worse than to have a bullet shot through it.

I just don't know why I am such a bad person? What did I do? Why is it that people I care about always seem to run from me? I just don't know why I am so hated?

When?

I have ruined too many lives.