So you think that you are starting to get you life together, then all of the sudden things fall apart. You get very, very sick. So sick in fact that you come closer to losing your life than maybe you have ever before and you have come close before. Your mind races trying to figure out what is going on and why but you can't seem to find an answer. You spend more time in one hospital or another than you do out. After all of this you find yourself home. You are so glad to be home and around the people you care about and feel have helped you to try and get your life together. Now, you aren't yourself. All of the events have taken a toll on you not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. You are frustrated, not by the people around you but the circumstances. You say somethings, mostly trying to express your frustration but not attacking or blaming anybody. In fact you are really trying to express to them that you care for all of them very much and that more than anything you really missed them and yes did wish you would have heard from them more and could have been around them when you couldn't.

Then one of the people you care for and has been more help than anybody knows decides that you don't appreciate them, are treating them like shit. Tells you not only this but how many other bad things you are doing to them... Even though they can't tell you how you are doing these things or why... But you aren't supposed to be upset by all of this. Then the person decides that they really only want to do the job they are paid to do when they want to, not caring if they leave you hanging. Again, you are not supposed to be upset by this at all. You are just supposed to accept that when you need help the most, you won't get it because that would be treating them badly. So you try to make things work. You try to work with them and just as you think things are going better this person decides they can't keep their word and it should just be okay with you if they take off and leave hanging again when they said, many times over several days, that they know they are too work and will work. Then when you are upset you are a bad person because you are upset...

You still care for this person and in your state of mind, you beat yourself up thinking what if I had done this or that or whatever... How are you supposed to feel. You want them to keep working for you and help you but they decided to quit because they are afraid you will be upset the next time they can't keep their word and do their job when they are supposed to. You don't want this but it happens and you just beat yourself up more. You think maybe it would have been better if you hadn't survived. You think your entire life has been a waste. You realize that they things in your life that you have always wanted and felt like this person and their family were helping you towards those things. Now you don't know if you can really move towards these things and if you can, is it too late?

How are you supposed to feel?

To have one's heart broken by a friend is worse than to have a bullet shot through it.

I just don't know why I am such a bad person? What did I do? Why is it that people I care about always seem to run from me? I just don't know why I am so hated?

When?

I have ruined too many lives.

So I seem to be conflicted. Part of be is buying stuff and waiting for it to arrive. However, much of me just doesn't want to be here. I don't know if the buying is so that I keep having something to wait for... Some reason to be here. I don't know. I know I have been trying to put on a good front to everybody but it is all crap. I know I am very depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I keep hoping maybe I just won't wake up.

I find myself mad at everybody and everything. I feel like I want to tell somebody... I want to yell it out. The last time I did that, someone I cared about turned on me and yelled at me for feeling that way and when I needed the support the most treated me bad and ran. So, I don't want to go through that again. I have tried to leave a few things here and there but no one really seems to notice or care.

I guess it is like I said, no one would really care if I was gone. No one seems to care that I am here.