So I seem to be conflicted. Part of be is buying stuff and waiting for it to arrive. However, much of me just doesn't want to be here. I don't know if the buying is so that I keep having something to wait for... Some reason to be here. I don't know. I know I have been trying to put on a good front to everybody but it is all crap. I know I am very depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I keep hoping maybe I just won't wake up.

I find myself mad at everybody and everything. I feel like I want to tell somebody... I want to yell it out. The last time I did that, someone I cared about turned on me and yelled at me for feeling that way and when I needed the support the most treated me bad and ran. So, I don't want to go through that again. I have tried to leave a few things here and there but no one really seems to notice or care.

I guess it is like I said, no one would really care if I was gone. No one seems to care that I am here.

I am sorry that I have been such a problem to everybody. I know that I am not worthy of this life and I am for sure not worthy of the next life.

I see everybody I know with their friends and family and it makes me both happy and sad. It makes me happy to see them happy but it makes me sad because I know that will never be me. I will never have the happiness of a loved one or a family. It would be better for me to just leave.

The best thing that could happen is if I were to die in my sleep.

It has come to my attention that I really serve no purpose here. No matter how much I might like to think I do that is important, much of it is not. The very few things that are important are things that others can do or can learn to do in a very, very short time and will probably do it much better.

The chances of me ever having a true life are almost nil. The chance that i will find someone nice and have a family is 0. The truth is I will probably need more and more help as time goes on. Thus, becoming an even bigger burden to those around me.

My continuing to be here serves little purpose but to be an annoyance to others. As I see it, the reason I have few friends is my own shortcomings. Therefore I do believe it is best to relive them of any attachment to me.

I don't belong here anymore, nobody wants me here anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. Time for me to go away.

I still think it would have been better if I had just died last summer. Then I would have no longer been a problem to anyone. I am really thinking about changing my living will to DNR so that the next time I get really sick and get that close, they will have to let me die. I guess I am just tired of being such a burden to everyone.