Really beginning to think that a bullet to the head would be better...

So is possible to love someone and to hate them at the same time? I still very much love the person who treated me so unkindly yet I find myself wanting to hate them. I don't know what I want now. I had hoped that we could be friends but I don't think that is possible... I am also afraid that if we are friends, the same thing will happen again. I will let down my guard thinking I have a friend only to have everything I say and do turned against me.

All I ever wanted was to have this person as a friend and to have them still help us. And had what happened the last time happened before I had been yelled at, told I was uncaring, unappreciative, and told I was trying to hurt this person I might not have been so upset. But those things did happen and I felt like, if you want to be here then you need to be here when you say you will be here. It is not right to wait until the last minute (and I mean that literally) to decided you are not going to do what you said. I just wish this person would see that. I know if someone they hired to do something did that to them, they would be unhappy... Why is it so bad that I was unhappy. What a little cunt bitch.

So, what happens if something happens to Dad... Right now I can not be by myself and I don't believe that I can afford a full-time live in care giver. So I have the following options as I see it:

1. Live with my sister either here or in Aurora.
2. Sign over my assets to my sister and go on medicaid to see if they will pay for care.
3. Sign over my assets to my sister and move into a nursing home.
4. Try to do some intensive rehab so that I can live by myself.

What I think the outcome of the options are:

1. Kill myself.
2. Be miserable until I kill myself.
3. Kill myself.
4. I don't think there would be time for this so probably only options 1-3.

I just wish someone would tell me what I have done to deserve all that has happened.

Yeah, I have pretty much given up. I seem to be putting up a pretty good front but deep down inside and I am still lost, confused, sad, angry, and disappointed. I am really starting to have those feelings again but unlike last time when I did tell someone... This time I won't. It caused way too much trouble last time.

I am really worried about Dad. He has me scared the last few days. If anything does happen to him, I don't think I will have many choices left.

Okay yes I am doing it again. I am seconded guess myself.

Thing is I realized how one sided this has been. One sided in that fact that my side is getting heard but not the other side. Fact is, I would love to hear the other side. That is basically what I think could have helped me deal with this from the beginning... If I had heard the true other side. That is, the truth, an unchanging side. Not the frequently changing side I kept hearing.

The other thing is even though it is one sided, I am glad to be getting it out there, off of my chest. I basically have felt like I really have had no one to talk to about this kind of stuff for a long time, oh yeah except for HER. Yeah, I used to talk to her about stuff that upset me... And second guessing I probably shouldn't have done that. I probably committed a multitude of sins and this is just punishment for them...

I guess I just want to say that I am sorry it is so one sided. I would love to hear for anybody what the real other side is. Why what happened, happened? What part I really had in it? What I need to learn from it? (Can't learn if you don't know what you did wrong.) And mostly importantly how many people did I hurt with my part in it and can they ever forgive me?