When?

I have ruined too many lives.

So I seem to be conflicted. Part of be is buying stuff and waiting for it to arrive. However, much of me just doesn't want to be here. I don't know if the buying is so that I keep having something to wait for... Some reason to be here. I don't know. I know I have been trying to put on a good front to everybody but it is all crap. I know I am very depressed. All I want to do is sleep. I keep hoping maybe I just won't wake up.

I find myself mad at everybody and everything. I feel like I want to tell somebody... I want to yell it out. The last time I did that, someone I cared about turned on me and yelled at me for feeling that way and when I needed the support the most treated me bad and ran. So, I don't want to go through that again. I have tried to leave a few things here and there but no one really seems to notice or care.

I guess it is like I said, no one would really care if I was gone. No one seems to care that I am here.

I am sorry that I have been such a problem to everybody. I know that I am not worthy of this life and I am for sure not worthy of the next life.

I see everybody I know with their friends and family and it makes me both happy and sad. It makes me happy to see them happy but it makes me sad because I know that will never be me. I will never have the happiness of a loved one or a family. It would be better for me to just leave.

The best thing that could happen is if I were to die in my sleep.