Okay yes I am doing it again. I am seconded guess myself.

Thing is I realized how one sided this has been. One sided in that fact that my side is getting heard but not the other side. Fact is, I would love to hear the other side. That is basically what I think could have helped me deal with this from the beginning... If I had heard the true other side. That is, the truth, an unchanging side. Not the frequently changing side I kept hearing.

The other thing is even though it is one sided, I am glad to be getting it out there, off of my chest. I basically have felt like I really have had no one to talk to about this kind of stuff for a long time, oh yeah except for HER. Yeah, I used to talk to her about stuff that upset me... And second guessing I probably shouldn't have done that. I probably committed a multitude of sins and this is just punishment for them...

I guess I just want to say that I am sorry it is so one sided. I would love to hear for anybody what the real other side is. Why what happened, happened? What part I really had in it? What I need to learn from it? (Can't learn if you don't know what you did wrong.) And mostly importantly how many people did I hurt with my part in it and can they ever forgive me?

Well all in all it was a pretty good day. Dad and I did have a little tension this morning. (He wants to sharpen my brand new kitchen knives because he doesn't like how the are designed. Usually when he sharpens a knife I either have to spend hours resharpening it correctly or throw it away... Did I mention they are band new???) However, the day after that went okay.

I am worried about Dad because of his bad cough and how bad he is hurting in his legs. I hope that the procedure on the 30th will relieve some of his back and leg pain. I am not sure what I would do if something happened to him.

Thing is with myself esteem being so low, I tend to second guess myself and to blame myself for things. I think if I could just be more help to him, then he wouldn't hurt so bad. If I hadn't gotten paralyzed I could take care of him. If I wasn't so stupid or lazy or whatever know of this would have happened.

All of that brings me back to what has happened. (Yeah, I can't sleep now, even after a good day, so I am thinking.) I really thought we had someone who would be around to help us... Make that help Dad for a long time. Most of what was done was as much for him as it was for me. So then I second guess myself even more. I second guess everything I have done since Feb. or before. I second guess myself even to the point of second guessing what I post thinking that I am going to upset or annoy somebody else (Probably am, surprised people haven't unfriended me on facebook.)

Over the last few years my self esteem has all but disappeared. Last summer it seemed like it was just starting to climb back up when I got sick. Then I know it plummeted. I was so hopping that when I got home in March that we could get back to normal and that my self esteem would have a chance to recover... That didn't happen. So again, I am second guessing what I did and what I am doing.

I even begin to second guess what I think about others... Mostly I wonder why do they care what happens to me? Do they really care or are they just trying to be nice? There is a difference. I wonder if I have ever done anything to them and if they are just waiting to stab me for it. Thing is, I know that is not fair to them. I should take people at face value and trust them until proven otherwise. However, I admit it is hard to do that when someone you thought you knew and trusted, trusted with your and your families lives, decides that they no longer what to have anything to do with you and didn't seem to mind tearing your heart out at the same time.

Even though I really do think I can see that little light at the end of the tunnel, I am still very sad and very low. I still think sometimes that it would have been better if I had not survived last summer. There are days like yesterday where I just wanted to get out of this house and go as far away as possible. Just go somewhere and forget all that has happened. However, I know that isn't real. 1. I need to be here for Dad even if I am not that much help. 2. I do love it here and I can't imagine not being here... It is just that so many things remind me of what happened.

You know... Sometimes I just feel like I am a terrible person and have always been a terrible person. I feel like I was a terrible person in high school and feel like I probably treated everyone badly, trying to serve my own purposes, not caring what happened to others... On the other hand, all I have ever wanted to do was help the people around me that I care about. I very much makes me hurt when I see people I care about hurting or in need. I wish I could just wrap them up in a big hug.

See, now as I type that... I get this feeling of selfishness and stupidity. 1. This voice in my head just keeps saying, "You just want to do that to get attention for yourself... See what I did." 2. Who would want a hug from me? Who would want help?.. No one...

Maybe that should be who is left? OR Who cares? Thing is I don't know what or who is left or if anybody cares either. I am not saying that people don't care about me. I am just saying I think everybody is done with this but me.

You know, if I look at this from a basic, logical approach I see that the problem(s) all must be with me. If you look at the common factor in all of this it is me. So mathematically speaking I am it.

Now, this little voice in my head also keeps saying, "bull". That is, if a party feels a certain way then most likely the other party has likely done or at least have been perceived to have done something. So, if my friend truly felt the way she claims, then I must have done something. Which, I have admitted all along that I made plenty of mistakes and if I could do it over again, I would do somethings different. What still bothers me with that party and another is... They are still unwilling to say that they did anything to make me feel the way I feel.

To them,it again is all me. If I feel the way I feel, I must have something wrong with me. So if we keep going with the mathematically idea, I should be factored out somehow. If you are working on a problem and you see a common item that can be factored out then you do it.

What else that bothers me, mostly because I have been taught to do it too, is the guilt game. If I don't feel good and am not hungry and say that and don't eat, I get, "Oh you don't like what I fixed. I just can't make you happy." That is crap. Or if someone gets told that they need to think about this or that or whatever, then I get this, "Well I just won't ever do this or that again." What a bunch more crap. Problem is, like I said I do that to. I guess I learned it well... IT PISSES ME OFF! It is just a way to try and turn it back onto the other person and make them feel bad. GRRRRR!

I feel like I need to write in my blog but I am not sure what to say. It is the evening and I have not had a very good day. Thing is, I usually do okay during the day but it is in the evenings that I seem to go down hill the most. I think it is this time of day that I feel the most alone. I really miss my friend and her family. I know I have friends but I have only ever had a few "friends", if you know what I mean. Right now the 2 that I have are busy trying to move on with there lives and I am stuck here. Having my other friend was allowing me to move forward with all of them, now I am not sure that I even want to move forward...

I can't believe that I would allow myself to fall in love.
I can't believe that I entertained the idea that a woman could be interested in me.
I can't believe that I allowed myself to be so hurt by someone.
I can't believe that I thought that I might have a new friend.
I can't believe that I have even thought about romance.
I can't believe how stupid I am...

I am going to start teaching others how to take care of the different websites etc. Then there will be no reason for me continue to be here. Once all of that is passed off, that will be it...

I am just tired of it all. I am tired of being in pain and tired of being alone. I am tired of hearing about everybody else problems but not feeling like I have no outlet for mine.

I am tired of being a source of pain and anger for everybody else. Everything I do or that has to be done for me seems to cause pain or anger for someone else. Enough!