I still wonder why I survived in 2008? I wonder what the purpose was / is of me surviving? I know it is his plan and we are supposed to have faith but damn it, I want some guidance. I am not asking to see the future or for every freaking detail, just give me the big picture... what the hell am I supposed to do? Why the hell am I still here? AND... If I have already done it, so me that and then tell why the hell am I still here?

Dying use to scare me. I guess up through the last surgery it did. Now, I don't know. I can't say it doesn't scare me, I guess it is more like I just don't give a fuck. Have I thought about it, yes. Have I even wanted it or welcomed it yes. Do I now, I don't know.

Sometimes it is all just so damn confusing. I feel like I am of little or no value to anyone, including myself. Would the world truly miss me? Would, in the long run, my being gone affect those around me? I just don't know. I know I feel like a pain and a bother. I feel like I suck the life out of those around me and offer nothing in return.

Movies have been made, such as "It's a Wonderful Life" that ask some of these questions... I am just not sure that in the long run... if I were the central character... that the answers would be the same.

Sometimes... I really do wonder what is more selfish, everyone having to continue to face the heartache or for it to just be over, let the grieving happening and then to move on.

So a year ago yesterday I lost a friend I cared very much about.

I came home scared, depressed, feeling helpless and alone. I expressed my frustration and my feeling of despair... and I got yelled out, told how much I was doing to hurt them and how selfish and uncaring I was.

All I wanted was a friend. Someone I could express those feelings to. I didn't blame them for how I felt, I just needed to tell them.

Now I have another friend who has been very good and allowed me express myself when I have needed to but because of last year I worry that I will do what ever I did again and I will lose another friend.

I worry that at any moment I will wake up and realize I have no friends... that I have done something or said something to drive them all away. I have even had the dream again about dying and no one come to my funeral.

It keeps popping up in my head... you're being selfish and trying to hurt people just to get attention. I know I have been selfish, most all of us have been at least once... but I really try not to be. I also know that I have hurt people, not meaning too. However because it keeps popping up, I can't but help believe it is true.

I have always been told how much people have given up for me... always told how hard being pregnant with me was on mom... so I guess for my entire existence I have done nothing but be selfish and hurt people for attention.

If that is all I have ever been or ever will be... then what is the point???

:'-(

I have known for sometime my final destination is a large lake of fire... for eternal destruction. How can someone who has caused so much pain not be destroyed. I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused. I am sorry for the sins I have committed... but not matter how sorry I am, it can't make up for what has been done.

I have been thinking about changing my living will. Think I want it to be DNR with no extraordinary measures. If it had been that in 2008, maybe no one else would have had to suffer the pain they did.