Am I worth the trouble? Am I worth the effort of others? Am I worth the heartache everyone goes through because of me? Am I worth being here?

What if I have to go for surgery?
What if while I am gone I do something or say something to make more people mad?
What if when I get back I lose more friends?

What if I don't tell anyone?
What if I don't have surgery even if I need too?

What if things are worse than they seem?
What if this just keeps happening?

What if all I end up doing is hurting people?


There are just so many what if's and there doesn't seem to be any answers. What if there aren't any answers? What happens if all of it happens? What happens if none of it happens?

UGH

What if???

I have come to realize that my issue with hugs really symbolizes my issue with life. I like hugs, I want hugs, I need hugs... but does anybody want a hug from me.

I wonder if I am worthy of hugs... I wonder if someone does hug me is it just because they feel like they have to hug me or do they want to.

I still worry that is someone hugs me... it will lead to nothing but trouble for them. Nothing put pain and sorrow.

Found out today that my kidney stones are back. I knew that there were very tiny fragments left... but these sound big. This explains why I have been having more back pain.

I just don't know what to do now? I have to get a CT, a kidney function study, and some lab work. After that we will know if they can be broken up with ultrasound or if they will require surgery. Ugh

I am just not sure that I can handle this again.

Today someone was here and was going on how much better my depression is and how glad she is that I am not where I was a year ago when I felt like I was unwanted, unneeded, and a bother and a pain... I just couldn't tell her that what she is seeing is more of a good front. I think the "better" is that I have settled enough to be able to hide it better... not that I am actually better.

I function but sometimes just barely. I have websites I want to do, things that I promised to do and need to do... I just don't have the whatever to.

Sometimes I think I should just tell everybody goodbye and then just go. I am just afraid if I did tell them goodbye I would just be bothering them. Maybe it is just better to go.

I still wonder why I survived in 2008? I wonder what the purpose was / is of me surviving? I know it is his plan and we are supposed to have faith but damn it, I want some guidance. I am not asking to see the future or for every freaking detail, just give me the big picture... what the hell am I supposed to do? Why the hell am I still here? AND... If I have already done it, so me that and then tell why the hell am I still here?

Dying use to scare me. I guess up through the last surgery it did. Now, I don't know. I can't say it doesn't scare me, I guess it is more like I just don't give a fuck. Have I thought about it, yes. Have I even wanted it or welcomed it yes. Do I now, I don't know.

Sometimes it is all just so damn confusing. I feel like I am of little or no value to anyone, including myself. Would the world truly miss me? Would, in the long run, my being gone affect those around me? I just don't know. I know I feel like a pain and a bother. I feel like I suck the life out of those around me and offer nothing in return.

Movies have been made, such as "It's a Wonderful Life" that ask some of these questions... I am just not sure that in the long run... if I were the central character... that the answers would be the same.