TIRED - GRUMPY - LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE...

I have had some major mind set changes lately. First, I can now actually see myself being more mobile and I want that to happen. Second, I have decided that I do what to "do something". As in, I have decided to start thinking about setting up a web site to do actual web sites for money. With each of those things, I haven't given up on trying to do some more school and even date... Yes I typed it didn't I. I am still thinking about that. The one person I had made contact with has found someone for now, so I am just moving on. I sent about 10 emails today to a few other young women... I don't know where any of it will go, but what is there to lose.

Oh yeah, along those lines, I have decided that another thing I need to do is... As I get more mobile, I need to go to some of the public events around, even if I wouldn't normally go...

I can't believe that I am really thinking about all of this. It just really doesn't seem like me. However, I know it is me and thanks to my friends that part of me is starting to appear. I guess I have always knows that I wanted to do these things, it either didn't seem worth the time or the trouble... Or it just seemed impossible.

That has now changed!

It has been an interesting couple of weeks, nay months. Some of the same medical problems keep rearing their ugly heads and that sends me for a loop. The only thing that has happened lately is that I have begun to realize I do have friends... And for some reason they even seem to like me.

I guess that just lends to the idea that there are people out there who would miss me if I wasn't here. That is nice to know. I am not sure that means I am totally okay yet, but it does mean that I might be moving in that direction.

When I read what I just typed, it scares me a little. Not that I had thought about not being here... More along the lines of does anybody care and if not, what do I do to make them care. Even that sounds bad. I mean, I know I do and have had friends. I guess I was just unsure why I had friends. Matter of fact, I am still not sure why??? Maybe that is just it, it isn't so much why you have friends, just that you do...

So, to my friends: THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND!

Yesterday was Dad's Birthday and I was sick most of the day. We had planned on going to dinner tonight anyway, so that was a good thing. Unfortunately I really didn’t have a good evening. Sometime this week, not tonight I don’t think, some of my old medical problems that seem to return every so often did just that.

The other thing that has bothered me today is my sister. I guess she is just starting to get on my nerves. She has started back in on her little self-pity part and I am just not in the mood. I know I do that to and I don’t want to sound mean or insensitive but I guess I am just feed up.

What gets me is, she plays it if she is doing it for Dad or my benefit, she is complaining for us. However the truth really is, she doesn’t want to do the things she knows she should but wants to complain if others are slow on the uptake with it.

She again is having the, “our family versus these other people thing.” She forgets that, “our family” is really much worse at times than a lot of those who she sometimes would like to put as, “these other people.” Well, as I have stated before, “these other people” are more family to me than, “our family”.

Also, what she doesn’t realize is that some of the people are having some difficult times right now. They don’t need any more stress than what they already have. She again forgets sometimes what she herself has gone through and how she let little things get past her because she didn’t feel like doing them.

I don’t know? It is the same thing over and over again. I should just get used to it. I have tried to figure it out but I can’t. I guess it is just one of those things that has always been and always will be.

So this weekend has been a royal pain in every part of my body. Then to top it off nothing has really changed with my sister. I don't want to sound mean or nasty, but all of this that was supposed to help her hasn't done much in someways.

Her big thing was that she would help us out this weekend. The truth is other than being moral support, she hasn't been much help. Truthfully as usual she has already presented more work for Dad then she has helped.

Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. I am been absolutely no help at all either...

I have been wondering lately if what I have done matters? That is, have I done something worthwhile? Have I made a mark? Not to sound morbid or anything, but had I not been here would it have made a difference? I am not thinking, if I just disappeared would anybody notice, I am wondering if I haven't done anything worth noticing and remembering, what can I do that will let me leave my mark?

I am just tired for one thing. However, I am also tired of being the kid in this family. I am tired of being seen and not heard. I am tired of my sister giving me that look and little laugh she has that says, "Be seen and not heard." I am tired of everyone being older than me at family functions, unless they are really kids.

I guess I am tired of not having my own social network and I am tired of my family not realizing that. I am also tired of hearing about all of the things that she got to do when she was younger and her social group when until a min. high school I didn't have a social group.

I am tired of the fact that I turned down many invitations to parties and events because they occurred on Saturday. I believe it is the sabbath and is supposed to be kept holy, but I don't think going to a party with your friends and having a good, clean time is against those principles.

I am old enough that I shouldn't have to argue with them over every little detail when I know what I am doing.

I am just tired.