So a year ago yesterday I lost a friend I cared very much about.

I came home scared, depressed, feeling helpless and alone. I expressed my frustration and my feeling of despair... and I got yelled out, told how much I was doing to hurt them and how selfish and uncaring I was.

All I wanted was a friend. Someone I could express those feelings to. I didn't blame them for how I felt, I just needed to tell them.

Now I have another friend who has been very good and allowed me express myself when I have needed to but because of last year I worry that I will do what ever I did again and I will lose another friend.

I worry that at any moment I will wake up and realize I have no friends... that I have done something or said something to drive them all away. I have even had the dream again about dying and no one come to my funeral.

It keeps popping up in my head... you're being selfish and trying to hurt people just to get attention. I know I have been selfish, most all of us have been at least once... but I really try not to be. I also know that I have hurt people, not meaning too. However because it keeps popping up, I can't but help believe it is true.

I have always been told how much people have given up for me... always told how hard being pregnant with me was on mom... so I guess for my entire existence I have done nothing but be selfish and hurt people for attention.

If that is all I have ever been or ever will be... then what is the point???

:'-(

I have known for sometime my final destination is a large lake of fire... for eternal destruction. How can someone who has caused so much pain not be destroyed. I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused. I am sorry for the sins I have committed... but not matter how sorry I am, it can't make up for what has been done.

I have been thinking about changing my living will. Think I want it to be DNR with no extraordinary measures. If it had been that in 2008, maybe no one else would have had to suffer the pain they did.

Stress: 100%, Energy Level: 0%.

Wow what a few weeks. It is the middle of February and I just can't believe everything that has happened this year. Sometimes I am a little scared others time so excited that I just can't even think straight! Am I still worried? Yes. Even though I am 99% better... I still have my own self doubt. My self esteem and self worth are still not where they should be. They are improving but not there.

One of my biggest worries... I worry that she is hoping for my happiness at the sacrifice of her own happiness. I just don't want anything to happen to her. I don't want to do anything out of my own stupidity to mess things up!

I know I have been holding my emotions even though I know I shouldn't do that. Hell, I still do that with a close friend and others who I have known for years. I try to show them how I feel even if I don't always tell them. I have been trying to tell them too but sometimes it just feels weird.

At times I wondered why all of the bad things had to happen to me... now I wonder why all of the good things are happening sometimes? Everybody tells me to just shut up and enjoy it. I am enjoying it... I guess I am just still in a state of shock. I think each day the shock becomes less and less...

I just find myself thinking about her and wanting to be near her. Sometimes when we are together I just want to hold onto her and not talk. Just feel her next to me. I am also surprised about some of the things she has told me, like about dreams. WOW...

I am just always worried something I do or say is going to be wrong. Then... just as fast as it began it will be over. She tells me I shouldn't worry but I still do.

I should just shut up and listen to my heart.