I am still upset about some of the things that have happened. I know that I shouldn't be but it is true that it does take me a while to get over things.

The main things that still have me upset is that the person has not apologized for anything. They said some things that are not true that really hurt me. For one they said that I didn't appreciate them. That is not true and they know it. Also, with everything that happened now I feel terrible every time I need more than the usual amount of help. Hell, I feel bad because I have wanted to order some flowers to make things nice, but because of being yelled at the last time I ordered flowers, I haven't done it.

I still feel they changed the rules and I am being punished because I got sick and had to have surgery. Went into a bad situation, came home not expecting anything to be wrong and came home to almost as much stress and heartache as I had at the hospital and just after.

I don't know now what to believe when I talk to this person. Are they telling me the truth or are they lying to me? Do they really want to be here or do they want to not be here?

I don't know what I did that was so bad to deserve all of this but now I just don't feel like I am worthy of anything good. I wonder this time if I am worthy of this life and I know that I am not worthy of the next...

S&W Tactical
Hornaday Ammo
Leroux Creek
Brain Stem

To hell with the whole thing. It is just not worth the frustration and aggravation. All that I know to say is Lord help me...

I titled this my thoughts because of recent it seems that my thoughts no matter how I express them have rubbed someone the wrong way. I think in someways a better title would be frustration. I am feeling frustrated over a current event. Anyway, I guess if someone reads this and it rubs them the wrong way oh well...

You see, we have had some rough times and have need help getting stuff we need done. So after going through one person, we found another. A person who not only seemed to be a good worker but also a good friend. I now find myself frustrated with this person. I had to be gone to the hospital for sometime and while gone I made arrangements to pay this person slightly more than average in hopes of them staying around. While they are still around, I feel they have changed the rules without talking to me first. This person found another job, a job I believe they would rather be doing than this one. They didn't tell me this until returning home and now I find myself almost in limbo wondering what we are going to do. At first it wasn't going to interfere, although it did. It severally limited the number of days that 1. we could count on this person for emergencies and 2. it limits the number of days we can plan other things to do. It also has present a problem with a scheduled visit and a semi scheduled work item because this person now feels overwhelmed.

I know this person has done a lot. In fact most would agree that this person has done more than necessary. However, I now feel as if this person, who often speaks of commitments, has broken their commitments to me. I feel that I have gone out of my to try and show my appreciation for all of the things this person has done and to try and be flexible and work with them on things they have needed. Now I find myself feeling like an ogre because I still need to have things done and feel like I almost have to demand them to be done.

Also, it isn't like I have tried to make sure that what we needed done was always and okay thing. I have pretty often tried to ask and make sure that things were okay.

There are 2 reasons why I really don't want to celebrate my birthday this year...

1. This year, already, and last year were just really really rough and I just would like to have some peace and quite.

2. I don't want to have anybody interrupt their schedules for my birthday.

I guess I should start by apologizing to my friends for being mad at them. I realize now that there was nothing intentional, they are just busy... And I don't fit in. Contrary to what they keep saying both to themselves and to me, it is very apparent that I don't belong. I don't understand why they just can't see it. The all have lives, families, and other friends who fit in better with their lives. I don't know if they feel obligated to stick around for some reason or if they are just trying to be nice and not kick me when I am down.

Whatever it is, I don't want to them interrupt their plans to celebrate a day that right now I don't even care about.

My spirit is so ragged, battered, and bruised that I wonder if it can or will recover. I feel so depleted that I really, really wonder if all of this fighting to survive has simply been too much. Everybody keeps telling me how strong my spirit is... I don't know, I don't think that is true at least not anymore.

I think my spirit is just ready to go lay down and give up. I think it is ready to just be finished.

I am going home tomorrow and I am still pissy. I am just tired of the little nit picky things and I want to be at my own house with my own stuff. I also think I am going to go on a beer and yogurt diet. My system is so messed up at this point I don't think anything else is worth it. I may try the BRATY diet when I get home, but until then (tomorrow) I am stuck either eating what there is or nothing at all.

Think I will go throw up and not eat...