Yesterday was Dad's Birthday and I was sick most of the day. We had planned on going to dinner tonight anyway, so that was a good thing. Unfortunately I really didn’t have a good evening. Sometime this week, not tonight I don’t think, some of my old medical problems that seem to return every so often did just that.

The other thing that has bothered me today is my sister. I guess she is just starting to get on my nerves. She has started back in on her little self-pity part and I am just not in the mood. I know I do that to and I don’t want to sound mean or insensitive but I guess I am just feed up.

What gets me is, she plays it if she is doing it for Dad or my benefit, she is complaining for us. However the truth really is, she doesn’t want to do the things she knows she should but wants to complain if others are slow on the uptake with it.

She again is having the, “our family versus these other people thing.” She forgets that, “our family” is really much worse at times than a lot of those who she sometimes would like to put as, “these other people.” Well, as I have stated before, “these other people” are more family to me than, “our family”.

Also, what she doesn’t realize is that some of the people are having some difficult times right now. They don’t need any more stress than what they already have. She again forgets sometimes what she herself has gone through and how she let little things get past her because she didn’t feel like doing them.

I don’t know? It is the same thing over and over again. I should just get used to it. I have tried to figure it out but I can’t. I guess it is just one of those things that has always been and always will be.

So this weekend has been a royal pain in every part of my body. Then to top it off nothing has really changed with my sister. I don't want to sound mean or nasty, but all of this that was supposed to help her hasn't done much in someways.

Her big thing was that she would help us out this weekend. The truth is other than being moral support, she hasn't been much help. Truthfully as usual she has already presented more work for Dad then she has helped.

Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected too much. I am been absolutely no help at all either...

I have been wondering lately if what I have done matters? That is, have I done something worthwhile? Have I made a mark? Not to sound morbid or anything, but had I not been here would it have made a difference? I am not thinking, if I just disappeared would anybody notice, I am wondering if I haven't done anything worth noticing and remembering, what can I do that will let me leave my mark?

I am just tired for one thing. However, I am also tired of being the kid in this family. I am tired of being seen and not heard. I am tired of my sister giving me that look and little laugh she has that says, "Be seen and not heard." I am tired of everyone being older than me at family functions, unless they are really kids.

I guess I am tired of not having my own social network and I am tired of my family not realizing that. I am also tired of hearing about all of the things that she got to do when she was younger and her social group when until a min. high school I didn't have a social group.

I am tired of the fact that I turned down many invitations to parties and events because they occurred on Saturday. I believe it is the sabbath and is supposed to be kept holy, but I don't think going to a party with your friends and having a good, clean time is against those principles.

I am old enough that I shouldn't have to argue with them over every little detail when I know what I am doing.

I am just tired.

I just don't give a flying ____ about most of the people who are blood relatives. I don't mean that in a bad way, it is just the truth. Also, I am sick and tired of hearing about how wonderful these people are, or more properly how wonderful they were when my sister was a little girl. My father and my sister always talk about all of these things that were done when she was little and somehow expect that the stories should conjure up the same good feelings for me that it does for them. IT DOESN'T!

Everyone needs to remember that I am 22 years younger than my sister. So, most all of these wonderful people are at least that much older than me. She may have grown-up with these people, I didn't. The truth is, I didn't really have anyone to grow up with. I switched schools every 2 years so almost never had friends for longer than that and the block we lived on had very few children on it. In fact after the little girl, Erin, 2 houses down moved away when I was about 10, there was no one my age on the block. Even when she did live there I only got to play with her once in a while. I didn't get to run around and play with other kids like my sister did. I didn't have cousins my age to see when we went places.

I spent most of my time when I was little sitting in corners being seen and not heard when we went to see friends and family. What I realize now is how much that has affected my own emotional and social growth and well being. I don't know how to be a friend. I mean I know how to be polite and how to be nice but not really a friend. I am just realizing what it is like to have a friend that you can talk to and know that they aren't judging you or aren't going to run and tell it to everybody else. It is also nice to have people around me who don't feel a need to pump them selves up at my expense. (I admit this is something I have to be very careful with myself...)

I am very lucky now that I have 2 very close friends who are helping me learn how to be a friend. My brother I have know for 15 years and I am just now understanding what that means. My other friend is relatively new, a fact that scares the hell out of me. I am so worried that she will be gone at the end of my 2 year run, like when I was in school. I hope that in another 15 years I can still call these people my friends... No make that family.

Now with all of this I don't want anybody to think I don't love my blood family especially my father and sister. I do, I just wish they would understand why I don't get all excited by the same people they do. I also want them to understand when I get excited by my 2 friends and their families. I don't expect that they should get excited, I just wish they would understand and RESPECT when I do.

So to everybody out there who is a friend or a family member who is not blood related... Bless you. If you don't understand how important you are as a friend find out. If you haven't told your friends how much you care about them, do it now. (So for you two... Love you guys and your families!)

Oh boy! I am not sure about all of this yet but I do know I DO want to start meeting women in hopes of finding someone nice. I have put myself on several of the online dating sites. It has only been a few days and there has been some interest. It hasn't been much, but it is early and some is better than none.

There are 2 things that sort of bother me.

1. I feel sort of shallow using these sites. I have tried not to just look at the pictures and I do have a bunch of different ladies that I am interested in, I just still fell shallow.

2. I feel a little bit hypocritical. You see I have always been the person who worried if their is a big age different especially if one person is very young (over 18 of course). In high school I always disliked the idea of senior dating freshmen. It just seemed off to me.

I am also the person who had reservations about my brother marrying his wife. She was young when they got married and I worried about the age difference. Everything is fine and I admit that general as people get older age difference don't worry me as much. However, now I am seeing some young ladies as young as his wife now (a few younger) that I am interested in. I guess that really does make me a hypocrite. I hope no one will be mad at me.

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