I have known for sometime my final destination is a large lake of fire... for eternal destruction. How can someone who has caused so much pain not be destroyed. I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused. I am sorry for the sins I have committed... but not matter how sorry I am, it can't make up for what has been done.

I have been thinking about changing my living will. Think I want it to be DNR with no extraordinary measures. If it had been that in 2008, maybe no one else would have had to suffer the pain they did.

Stress: 100%, Energy Level: 0%.

Wow what a few weeks. It is the middle of February and I just can't believe everything that has happened this year. Sometimes I am a little scared others time so excited that I just can't even think straight! Am I still worried? Yes. Even though I am 99% better... I still have my own self doubt. My self esteem and self worth are still not where they should be. They are improving but not there.

One of my biggest worries... I worry that she is hoping for my happiness at the sacrifice of her own happiness. I just don't want anything to happen to her. I don't want to do anything out of my own stupidity to mess things up!

I know I have been holding my emotions even though I know I shouldn't do that. Hell, I still do that with a close friend and others who I have known for years. I try to show them how I feel even if I don't always tell them. I have been trying to tell them too but sometimes it just feels weird.

At times I wondered why all of the bad things had to happen to me... now I wonder why all of the good things are happening sometimes? Everybody tells me to just shut up and enjoy it. I am enjoying it... I guess I am just still in a state of shock. I think each day the shock becomes less and less...

I just find myself thinking about her and wanting to be near her. Sometimes when we are together I just want to hold onto her and not talk. Just feel her next to me. I am also surprised about some of the things she has told me, like about dreams. WOW...

I am just always worried something I do or say is going to be wrong. Then... just as fast as it began it will be over. She tells me I shouldn't worry but I still do.

I should just shut up and listen to my heart.

So for a while I had started to pick up and feel a little better. Now it seems like the last few days, each day has gotten a little worse and a little worse. It feels like I have a little less strength each day and a little less desire to move forward each day. I just keep thinking maybe this is what is supposed to happen... I will just eventually just waste away into nothingness.
:'-(

They all deserve a better friend than me. All I have been lately is a bother and a nuisance. When I am down if I post online all I do is piss more people off. One friend, well, isn't very good at the listening and talking stuff. Another friend I know I have been taking advantage of and should not be doing that.

They all have better friends. Friends who can help them and not hurt them. Friends who don't drag them down.

My body is a mess. My mind is a mess. When looking at the positives and the negatives, there isn't much of anything in the positive column.

One way or another I have to extract myself so that they can move on with the people who are better friends.

:'-(

Sometimes I feel like I just need a hug. I just want a hug. However, I know I can't let anyone hug me.

I have always been the type that has wanted hugs. I have always felt like when my friends and family was in pain I wanted to hug them... To hold them if even briefly to try and make it better.

I have just always wondered if someone would want a hug from me? Why they would want me to hug them?

So I had a friend who was in pain and I asked if I could hug them. It was nice to be able to give that comfort. It continued but then when I needed that support. When I was ready to kill myself instead of a hug I got yelled at and stomped on.

Now I know I can't do that. I can't hug anyone or let them hug me. It is not safe... Not for me or for them.