To hell with the whole thing. It is just not worth the frustration and aggravation. All that I know to say is Lord help me...

I titled this my thoughts because of recent it seems that my thoughts no matter how I express them have rubbed someone the wrong way. I think in someways a better title would be frustration. I am feeling frustrated over a current event. Anyway, I guess if someone reads this and it rubs them the wrong way oh well...

You see, we have had some rough times and have need help getting stuff we need done. So after going through one person, we found another. A person who not only seemed to be a good worker but also a good friend. I now find myself frustrated with this person. I had to be gone to the hospital for sometime and while gone I made arrangements to pay this person slightly more than average in hopes of them staying around. While they are still around, I feel they have changed the rules without talking to me first. This person found another job, a job I believe they would rather be doing than this one. They didn't tell me this until returning home and now I find myself almost in limbo wondering what we are going to do. At first it wasn't going to interfere, although it did. It severally limited the number of days that 1. we could count on this person for emergencies and 2. it limits the number of days we can plan other things to do. It also has present a problem with a scheduled visit and a semi scheduled work item because this person now feels overwhelmed.

I know this person has done a lot. In fact most would agree that this person has done more than necessary. However, I now feel as if this person, who often speaks of commitments, has broken their commitments to me. I feel that I have gone out of my to try and show my appreciation for all of the things this person has done and to try and be flexible and work with them on things they have needed. Now I find myself feeling like an ogre because I still need to have things done and feel like I almost have to demand them to be done.

Also, it isn't like I have tried to make sure that what we needed done was always and okay thing. I have pretty often tried to ask and make sure that things were okay.

There are 2 reasons why I really don't want to celebrate my birthday this year...

1. This year, already, and last year were just really really rough and I just would like to have some peace and quite.

2. I don't want to have anybody interrupt their schedules for my birthday.

I guess I should start by apologizing to my friends for being mad at them. I realize now that there was nothing intentional, they are just busy... And I don't fit in. Contrary to what they keep saying both to themselves and to me, it is very apparent that I don't belong. I don't understand why they just can't see it. The all have lives, families, and other friends who fit in better with their lives. I don't know if they feel obligated to stick around for some reason or if they are just trying to be nice and not kick me when I am down.

Whatever it is, I don't want to them interrupt their plans to celebrate a day that right now I don't even care about.

My spirit is so ragged, battered, and bruised that I wonder if it can or will recover. I feel so depleted that I really, really wonder if all of this fighting to survive has simply been too much. Everybody keeps telling me how strong my spirit is... I don't know, I don't think that is true at least not anymore.

I think my spirit is just ready to go lay down and give up. I think it is ready to just be finished.

I am going home tomorrow and I am still pissy. I am just tired of the little nit picky things and I want to be at my own house with my own stuff. I also think I am going to go on a beer and yogurt diet. My system is so messed up at this point I don't think anything else is worth it. I may try the BRATY diet when I get home, but until then (tomorrow) I am stuck either eating what there is or nothing at all.

Think I will go throw up and not eat...

Its another one of those nights when I just can't seem to get to sleep. I really don't know why. I really didn't sleep today and I am tired.

I am feeling down right now and I shouldn't be. We are close to going home... I guess I am just nervous. I haven't heard from the doctor yet and that has me concerned. What if he contacts me at the 11th hour and says I can't go? I am not sure I can take too much more time here...

I guess I am also nervous about going home in general. Not so much about the trip or anything. More about seeing my friends... That is if they really still want to be my friends...OR...Maybe more importantly, do they still want me as a friend???

I have done a lot of things this last year and the start of this year to drive them away. Also, I don't care I stand by what I said and I believe it, I am those things that I am worried about. I am just a misfit.

The one friend gets made at some of the stupid things I say...And I just don't know why. I mean I general only get mad like that at people I care about...I am just not worth that. The other 2 just seem to be too happy. I don't know, maybe I want them to yell and scream at me... Maybe I need that. I know that sounds stupid to me to. I am upset because one person is mad at me and upset because 2 others aren't.

I think I would like a hug from each of them but I won't ask for it anymore. I think my needness, including hugs, is getting to be too much. I mean my blood family barely hugs me why should I expect anyone else to. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that must make everyone feel.

Now I am starting to get really sleepy, I just worry that the minute I sign off and put the computer away, I will be wide awake and all of this crap will be running through my pea brain all over again.

Unfortunately I have also been thinking about that thing that really pissed the one friend off. That scares me. What scares me even more is how detailed the dreams about it are that I have been having...

I was on FB tonight and it still surprises me one, how many people actually remember me and two, how many what to be my FB friend. What also surprises me is how they seem to remember me. They seem to remember this good person with a strong spirit... I am not sure I was ever really either of those.

Something else that happened that I just don't quite understand... I have been emailing a woman from a near by town for a while now and when she didn't hear from my after surgery (her address didn't get transferred to the other computer) she thought the worst and was upset. Now mind you we have never met in person. I mean I was upset to hear she had lost her job but she doesn't know me from Adam, I guess I just am clueless... Maybe that is a male thing, I don't know. Is there something about me really worth caring about???

I don't, I think I am just rambling now. I guess I will try logging out and see if I can get some sleep. I don't know how many people actually read this but I wish if someone does, that they would drop me a line telling me so...

This morning I was laying in bed in the state just before you are really awake, yet not really asleep...And I know my day was going to be hell before it even started.

My sister was in the kitchen banging and grumbling. I don't know why, I really don't care why... I am just tired of the daily tirade over something. I know she doesn't feel good, join the club. I know well all have grumpy days and I mostly readily admit I have had more than my share of them. It just seems that hers are everyday, all day.

Pretty much from the start she has made me feel like some major problem. She has worn dad to the point that he is stumbling and just doesn't look good. I am not sure how much longer either one of us can stand it.

I know this isn't great for any of us but we are trying to make it work. I have put up with being in fishbowl and having basically 0 privacy or time to myself. About the only time I am alone is when I am sleeping and even then she usually comes to sit in the recliner about 3 a.m. so even in my sleep I get no privacy.

I have released almost all control to her. And when I have tried to keep a little to myself, I can't. I can't email the doc without CC:ing her or she will email him "for me". Also, I finally managed to make it into see the doc WITHOUT her only to have her still get drug in only to re-question him on everything he and I had talked about and to have to put up her own opinions even if they didn't agree with mine.

I want to be home, I want to have privacy. I want to think for myself.