Its another one of those nights when I just can't seem to get to sleep. I really don't know why. I really didn't sleep today and I am tired.

I am feeling down right now and I shouldn't be. We are close to going home... I guess I am just nervous. I haven't heard from the doctor yet and that has me concerned. What if he contacts me at the 11th hour and says I can't go? I am not sure I can take too much more time here...

I guess I am also nervous about going home in general. Not so much about the trip or anything. More about seeing my friends... That is if they really still want to be my friends...OR...Maybe more importantly, do they still want me as a friend???

I have done a lot of things this last year and the start of this year to drive them away. Also, I don't care I stand by what I said and I believe it, I am those things that I am worried about. I am just a misfit.

The one friend gets made at some of the stupid things I say...And I just don't know why. I mean I general only get mad like that at people I care about...I am just not worth that. The other 2 just seem to be too happy. I don't know, maybe I want them to yell and scream at me... Maybe I need that. I know that sounds stupid to me to. I am upset because one person is mad at me and upset because 2 others aren't.

I think I would like a hug from each of them but I won't ask for it anymore. I think my needness, including hugs, is getting to be too much. I mean my blood family barely hugs me why should I expect anyone else to. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that must make everyone feel.

Now I am starting to get really sleepy, I just worry that the minute I sign off and put the computer away, I will be wide awake and all of this crap will be running through my pea brain all over again.

Unfortunately I have also been thinking about that thing that really pissed the one friend off. That scares me. What scares me even more is how detailed the dreams about it are that I have been having...

I was on FB tonight and it still surprises me one, how many people actually remember me and two, how many what to be my FB friend. What also surprises me is how they seem to remember me. They seem to remember this good person with a strong spirit... I am not sure I was ever really either of those.

Something else that happened that I just don't quite understand... I have been emailing a woman from a near by town for a while now and when she didn't hear from my after surgery (her address didn't get transferred to the other computer) she thought the worst and was upset. Now mind you we have never met in person. I mean I was upset to hear she had lost her job but she doesn't know me from Adam, I guess I just am clueless... Maybe that is a male thing, I don't know. Is there something about me really worth caring about???

I don't, I think I am just rambling now. I guess I will try logging out and see if I can get some sleep. I don't know how many people actually read this but I wish if someone does, that they would drop me a line telling me so...

This morning I was laying in bed in the state just before you are really awake, yet not really asleep...And I know my day was going to be hell before it even started.

My sister was in the kitchen banging and grumbling. I don't know why, I really don't care why... I am just tired of the daily tirade over something. I know she doesn't feel good, join the club. I know well all have grumpy days and I mostly readily admit I have had more than my share of them. It just seems that hers are everyday, all day.

Pretty much from the start she has made me feel like some major problem. She has worn dad to the point that he is stumbling and just doesn't look good. I am not sure how much longer either one of us can stand it.

I know this isn't great for any of us but we are trying to make it work. I have put up with being in fishbowl and having basically 0 privacy or time to myself. About the only time I am alone is when I am sleeping and even then she usually comes to sit in the recliner about 3 a.m. so even in my sleep I get no privacy.

I have released almost all control to her. And when I have tried to keep a little to myself, I can't. I can't email the doc without CC:ing her or she will email him "for me". Also, I finally managed to make it into see the doc WITHOUT her only to have her still get drug in only to re-question him on everything he and I had talked about and to have to put up her own opinions even if they didn't agree with mine.

I want to be home, I want to have privacy. I want to think for myself.

You know with all of the events this summer and fall I questioned why anybody would want to be my friend or care about me. I wondered why I got the post cards, get well cards, etc I got... I just couldn't believe that there were any people out there how cared. I think I have gotten my answer. I think when it is convenient for them to care then they do... Otherwise, not so much. Well not everything in life is convenient, I sure as hell know that.

I guess I don't want to be cared about only when it is convenient.

The whole time I was in the hospital I only received one get well wish. I got one card by email when I was in the ICU but because of how stoned I was it got taken home and I really didn't see it until I go to my sisters.

Otherwise I got 0 cards, 0 flowers, 0 anything. Now, I didn't expect a huge thing of flowers or anything... I know people can't afford that but would a tacky get well card from the dollar store, shoved in an envelope with a stamp or two have been too much? I mean if they couldn't figure out the address to send it to the hospital (google it) it could have been sent to my sisters house. I know I have given out that address, and if not why not call her to get it.

If you write my cell number out as a counting number and not a phone number and subtract 1, you get her cell number. I know most have her house phone number. I am sure if the card had hit her mail box she might have brought it down.

(Admittedly I wouldn't recommend emailing her, she doesn't check it often.)

I mean I try to send people in the hospital stuff... I even sometimes just send stuff to people at random just because I care about them and what them to know that. Wonder what that says...

I was talking to one of my friends and he was talking about how much better this time must have been than last time. I think they think because of what I went through this summer and the fact that those stones were ticking time bombs, that all of those surgeries must have been soo much worse than this time. WRONG!

One, those surgeries maxed out at around 3 hours and were min. invasive. This surgery went from 6 hours to 12.5 hours, was major invasive cutting me from sternum to belly button (not sure I have a belly button anymore) and I almost coded twice. The doctor has warned me that since my back surgery, even with everything I have gone through, this would be up there at the top as far as stress and possibility for something wrong to happen. He was right.

Last time I sent 0 time in the ICU, this time I spent I don't know how many days in the ICU... This time was so much worse. On top of that I hadn't recovered from everything this summer and fall so it is all building and I feel like I need as much if not more support this time as I did then.

I know they think because this time was elective and for the good that I would handle it better... WRONG! For one thing when I knew I had to do the kidney surgeries all of the choice was taken away... Do the surgeries or die. This surgery while almost as important ultimately, was still elective. I had to choose to do this. That scared the hell out of me.

I know they did try to support me in the ICU, but I was so stoned on pain meds that I wasn't with it. However, I needed support after the ICU.

So, where does that leave me. It leaves me mad at them. I still love them but I am very mad at them and I don't care if they are mad at me. I try to ask for very little, maybe I do ask for too much. I don't know. I just know that this whole trip was a time when I really, really, need all of the love and support I could get... I just don't feel like I got it and I am mad about it.

So on Saturday if we do get to come home... I am going to try and get some other help so that we don't have to interrupt anybody else. Not like I would know if anybody was available or not since my emails seem to either get lost or simply go unanswered.

I know I have been very, very needy lately. However, I now know that I am all of those things I worry about. I am a pain, interruption, and distraction to my friends.

When my friends need to talk to me I try to give them my undivided attention, blocking out, turning off, or removing anything that would distract me. However, I don't seem be worth that in return. I have yet to really be able to have a conversation either voice or electronic without them becoming distracted by something.

I know they are busy and in reality I have no life... I can only conclude that I am those things I have worried about.

One of the reasons I don't like to speak with my sister on the phone is because she is often distracted by tv or the computer or what she is doing else where.

With everybody, if I thought it was just that I communicated at a bad time, I might not think it is true... It seems to happen when they start the communications... On the seldom occasion they do.

I think it is best that they simple forget about me, they probably all ready have, and deal with those others around them.

Today the Doc made his first house call and opened 2 places on my incision line to let the puss and fluid drain out. So much for no more pain and getting some rest.

There are all sorts of networks from computer to social. I may have a fairly large social internet, however my intranet is very small. Today I realized that those who in it have families and lives and I fit in neither and intrude in both. Also, since I have neither I don't belong in their intranets.

So I am going to try and work "offline" as it is.