Well it is Friday night just before I am to leave on Sunday for the big city and the big hospital. Oh Boy! Oh, I know everything is going to be okay. I just am nervous and am having a lot of thoughts running through my brain.

All I can say is I am very glad for my friends.

I hope that they know how much I appreciate them. I worry that they don't know. I also worry about a lot of other things. Anyway, I just hope they know.

I think that I am done. I don't think all everything that is planned is worth it. Maybe I should just let nature take its course and just be done.

Just too old to have a life. Ready to disappear.

I talked to someone else today and I realized that I just feel alone. I know that everybody who has told me, "it will be okay" is probably as nervous or scared as I am. I think I just need someone to tell me they are scared or nervous too. It maybe selfish but I need to hear that someone does care and that they want everything to be okay even if they don't know that it will be.

I admit that I didn't use to like to talk about these things either but things have changed and I guess I do need to talk about them. I know the most important thing is to show people that you care but sometimes you need to tell them too...

Right now I am really afraid of my upcoming surgery and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

First of all, when I have tried to talk to everyone about it all I get is, "It will be okay." or "It's all for the best." Which while I know are the standard responses... Leave me feeling like either they don't care or don't understand. I don't know, maybe I have gotten too soft over the last year or so and should just buck up and shut up???

Second, my best friend and his wife just seem to be unavailable. I know they are busy and again maybe I am being too sensitive. It would be nice to know where I stand. Maybe what I have feared is coming true. Is it possible that I have just become a bother and and intrusion? Did they just have enough of the problems this summer and just can't handle anymore? I know I am almost at that point... Ready to just give up.

Third, my other friend is not exactly having the best of time right now. I don't want to burden her down anymore. I already worry that I am too much as it is. Maybe she too has just had too much?

Fourth, my sister, I just can't talk to her. I have discussed that before and it just seems to be getting worse and not better. I love her and need her help at times... However, I feel like we are just moving apart. I don't know if it is the age difference or something else but whatever it is, I don't think it is going to go away any time soon.

Fifth, dad is just no help. Partly because of his age and partly just because he has always been like this for as long as I can remember, he it just not someone to talk to about this stuff.

So where does that leave me? I don't want to be angry at my friends but I am in a way. I guess right now I need someone who won't tell me it is all going to be okay... Instead I need someone who will just listen to me and let me rattle off everything that is running through my head no matter how stupid or twisted it might be without getting mad or upset.

I guess the best I can do is just sallow my emotions and hope for the best... Maybe it will all go well and will all be over with before I either get another ulcer or my head explodes.

Maybe I should just give up...

Okay, so I was doing good tonight until... MY FAMILY DECIDED TO COME VISIT ME. First I had to watch a show that I don't really find all that appealing then the one person who does like it wouldn't shut up. Finally the other person just wants to bitch about everything and anything and I am just tired of it.

What is being bitched about is non of their damn business. And for a second fact I am tired of this person trying to act like they are in-charge every time they come over.

JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!

Okay, so there are a lot of things I don't know. However what I have wondered recently is are my friends better off for knowing me. I guess there are several ways to phrase. I just want to know if they every wish they hadn't met me.