I still wonder why I survived in 2008? I wonder what the purpose was / is of me surviving? I know it is his plan and we are supposed to have faith but damn it, I want some guidance. I am not asking to see the future or for every freaking detail, just give me the big picture... what the hell am I supposed to do? Why the hell am I still here? AND... If I have already done it, so me that and then tell why the hell am I still here?

Dying use to scare me. I guess up through the last surgery it did. Now, I don't know. I can't say it doesn't scare me, I guess it is more like I just don't give a fuck. Have I thought about it, yes. Have I even wanted it or welcomed it yes. Do I now, I don't know.

Sometimes it is all just so damn confusing. I feel like I am of little or no value to anyone, including myself. Would the world truly miss me? Would, in the long run, my being gone affect those around me? I just don't know. I know I feel like a pain and a bother. I feel like I suck the life out of those around me and offer nothing in return.

Movies have been made, such as "It's a Wonderful Life" that ask some of these questions... I am just not sure that in the long run... if I were the central character... that the answers would be the same.