I often find myself surprised at the number of Facebook friends I have. Even more surprised that most of these people accepted my request (though I am sure many regret it now) and just astonished at home many have actually sent a friend request to me.

Many of these people have spoken of how strong (something a once friend used to say) and how nice, kind, caring I am. Some have even spoken of how special, intelligent, even great of a person I am. I am just at a great lack of understanding.

I never saw myself or even thought of myself as those things. At best I just thought I was somewhat normal. Now it is hard for me to even see that. I find myself now a weak, scared child who has lost his way.

I don't see that anything I am or that I do is so special. It is said that given an infinite about of time a bunch of monkeys with a bunch of type writers could reproduce the works of Shakespeare, well I think ten monkeys given ten days of good training could do what I do. All kidding aside, I think that there are many people who could do what I do faster and most likely better.

I find now that I have wasted most of my life worrying about others and what I was expected to do or be and not worrying about what was important to me. I wish that I had spent more time on the relationships and things that were important. I think it is too late to try and fix this.

This last year has shown that I am simply a waste of a person who survived something that I shouldn't have. It also shows that I am unable to either build relationships with good people or build good relationships at all. Even if I could build good relationships, who wants that from me? Who really wants to be my friend? What woman would really want to have a life with me? The answer is simply no one.

I am simply a time and resource consuming slug.